Harry Potty and the Bad Narrator
by LittleCoconutHead
Summary: This is what happens whe you read too much Harry Potter and get stuck baby sitting little kids. Please enjoy my pottyhumor. It's screwed up to the extremes and it's finnished....unless I get requests to keep going.
1. Chapter 1

It all started 10 years ago when Harry's parents moved to China. They had 2 children. The oldest was a boy named Jerry who was three years old at the time and already knew how to poop on the toilet. Their youngest was Harry. He was only one year old and had not shown such fast developing potty-pooper skills as his brother. When they moved to China, Harry's parents, Lily and James Potty, had to give up one of their children. Since Jerry had shown so much faster improvement they gave up Harry. However, Lily and James weren't happy with the orphanages so they sent made arrangements to send him to his aunt and uncle, Petunia and Vernon Diaper's house. They settled into their new place that night and Harry was to be going away the next morning. Little did they know that there was a dark wizard by the name of Lord Moldywarts running a muck in china. Lord Moldywarts was never potty-trained and hated all things toilet related and so he went to kill the Potty family.

When he arrived that evening he burst into the house. "I am here to kill all those who are potty-trained!" he screamed, as he shit his pants. Lily and James moved to stand in front of Jerry while holding Harry out. "You c-can't k-kill us!" Lily stammered nervously. "Harry's butt's never touched the comforting creaming of a toilet bowl in all his little life. If you let us live, he never will, I promise!" However, Lord Moldywarts didn't buy into this tale and dipped his hand into his diaper pulling out a long, poop covered stick. They faces of the toilet trained Potty's looked revolted, but little Harry clapped and giggled at the trick of pulling a wand out of a dark wizard's ass. "Don't laugh at that Harry!" snapped James, clearly forgetting who was standing in front of them, "It's not funny that a grown man isn't potty-trained!" Filled with rage, Moldywarts raised his defiled wand and yelled "poopada pissavera!" pointing it at all the Potty's in turn except Harry. As soon as he did they forgot how to poop and pee so it all backed up and they exploded all over the walls and little Harry. Harry thought that the poop splattered over him was foul-smelling chocolate and began to eat it. Lord Moldywarts watched gleefully with interest. Now this boy would never know how to work a toilet.

Suddenly, Harry's eyes grew big. "I gotta make a poo-poo!" he cried and as if something clicked in his head he ran and climbed on the toilet. At this lord Moldywarts became very angry and ran after Harry. Harry's butt was almost lowered to the toilet when Lord Moldywarts ran in. "poopada pissavera" He yelled, pointing the wand at Harry's butt. "Owey!" he yelled as the spell rebound from his but cheek and back to Lord Moldywarts who exploded with poop. After going poo-poo in the toilet Harry saw his left butt cheek in a mirror and saw a lightning bolt shaped scar. It was glowing purple because he didn't have to go to the bathroom. It would glow green if he had to poop, blue if he had to pee, orange if he was constipated, and yellow if he had diarrhea. The purple thing on his butt seemed to amuse him until Professor Dungbeetle came into the house to deliver him to his aunt and uncle's place.

There he lived there ten years, watching the Diaper's always looking forward to the next Huggies commercial and running out to buy some every time they saw it. Harry was the only person in the house who knew how to use a toilet and was shunned because of it. That was ok though, because he liked being different from the Diaper's, whom he had always hated. In fact the first time he had been truly happy that he could remember was when a very lard fellow by the name of Hellofafart came along and told him that he'd just been excepted into Hogfarts School for Toilet Trained Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was on the train ride there that he met his best friends, Ron Wepee and Hermione Grandroll.


	2. Chapter 2

See, Ron had no idea who Harry was when they first met, nor did Hermione until the train was approaching the castle. He had already put on his wizarding robes but a little tell-tale light could still be seen flashing as a dead give-away of his true identity. Once the train came to a stop he jumped up immediately. "Good!" He shouted, "I've really got to go to the bathroom!" Then he turned his back to them to leave the train but before he could go anywhere Hermione had spotted a flashing, purple lightning bolt shape on his buttocks. "What's that?" she asked pointing to it, but before Harry could answer Ron piped up. "I think that's Harry Potty!" Hermione looked thoroughly confused. "WHO?!" She asked.

Ron gaped at her. "You mean you don't know?" he asked in a voice as if she hadn't understood that 1+12 "You have to know, he's the boy who pooped!" Harry blushed and ran off while Hermione looked at Ron like he was crazy and scuttled off in the opposite direction. Meanwhile a little red-headed girl with bright green eyes named Xiomara, or X ran up and poked Harry's scar with her wand because one of her friends paid her ten galleons and she ran away, never to appear in this story again. So Harry went to the bathroom, and then came to the great hall where he was sorted into Gryffindor house and met up with Ron and Hermione again. They had a very nice meal and chatted about stupid things and over the next month or so they had a bunch of classes, but nobody really cares about that. We only wanna hear about the mischief damn it!

So eventually Harry Hermione went up to the floor that they weren't allowed to be on and they opened the door where there was a clogged toilet. Looking disgusted, Hermione went to flush it. Almost immediately the thing started over-flowing. "Oh shit!" Cried Harry, "its raining shit!" They all began to panic until Ron jumped up and since the floor was brittle from the toilet over-flowing he fell through it. Quickly, the others jumped down the hole. They landed on long, tubular metallic things. "What is this?!" Ron asked Hermione as the pipes began grabbing onto them. "Their sewer pipes!" she shouted and took out her wand. "Constipatio!" she shouted and the tubes broke dropping them on the floor below. It was room full soiled underwear and they had to put the correct pair into the washing machine to open the door. After a while of searching they found a bright red thong and threw it in the machine, opening the door, only to find in the next room that they hand to play live chess with chocolate and vanilla laxatives to get to the room they were searching for. Unfortunately, in the process of playing Ron was seriously injured and Hermione stayed behind with him, letting Harry go on. He was going to go get the philosopher's stone so that stupid scar wouldn't flash anymore.

When he got to the room it was laying in the middle of the floor but Harry's defense against the dark arts teacher, Professor Quarrel also wanted the stone so they ran and dived for it. And had a pointless catfight which was rather dull because they weren't actually hitting each other, just randomly flailing their arms. Then, a voice spoke through Quarrel's turban. "Enough!" It cried, "Unwrap me at once!" Quickly, Quarrel took off the turban and turned around so that the face of Moldywarts stared out at Harry. He cleared his throat. For a second and music began to play in the chamber and Moldywarts began to sing.

"I'd like to buy the world a home  
And furnish it with love  
Grow apple trees and honey bees  
And snow white turtle doves."

Harry looked startled but then at once joined in as the two began to shake, shimmy and do the twist.

"I'd like to teach the world to sing  
In perfect harmony  
I'd like to buy the world a Coke  
And keep it company  
That's the real thing.

I'd like to teach the world to sing  
In perfect harmony  
I'd like to buy the world a Coke  
And keep it company  
That's the real thing."

Then, as they did a complicated spinning move Harry began to sing a secondary chorus as Moldywarts continued to sing the first.

"What the world wants today  
Coca-Cola"

The two sang in harmony for a long time before deciding that they could be best friends forever because both of them wanted to buy the world a Coke. Moldywarts used the philosopher's stone to get a new body while Harry and Moldywarts skipped out of the room and they were best friends for life.


End file.
